It’s June 2009. We’ve crowned our main race winners. They both had balls as big as Texas. They made the important decisions without much dithering. They might have made a mistake here or there, but dealt with it by riding harder. Courier stuff, like fixing flats fast obviously didn’t faze them, nor did the occasional surprise. And maybe a few others wanted it as much as they did, but the bit of luck was with our champs, who both derive their main incomes through their work as bike couriers in Europe. Or so we have been given to understand.
“How did this happen?”, the uninitiated are wont to ask, and so we’ll give a brief description of how a messenger championship functions:
There is a racecourse with a certain number of stops. Competitors must pick up and deliver “jobs” listed on a “manifest” simulating a courier’s working day. The catch is, the course is composed only of one-way streets, and backtracking is illegal, so mistakes are costly. The winner is the racer who completes the required combination of stops in the shortest amount of time.
Qualifying heats will take place on Saturday. Second-round qualifying will be before the finals Monday.
To assist your mental preparation, a completed course map will be posted on this website in the weeks prior to the event. But not the manifests.
GO! Courier Cup Team Race
Bring that overweight, ill-tempered, superior-minded lump who thinks he’s (or she’s) your boss along for the weekend! We’ll see if he (or she) is as good at his (or her) job as he (or she) thinks he (or she) is! Cool heads will be the order of the day. Points will be deducted for profanity and tantrums. Teams will also be formed prior to the start, our goal is to allow as many to race as possible, this will be the main event on saturday, and a good chance to pre-ride the course. Do participate!
As above, but with bigger balls. The last five years have been witness to a marked increase in the use of cargo bikes at courier companies worldwide. The ever-dwindling levels of short-hop envelope work in most cities are making the cargo bike a steadily more viable option for couriers who like to feel physically tired at the end of a working day. Whether you like it or not, you will feel tired at the end of this race. The maximum of wheels in use on your conveyance is unlimited. Let your imagination soar!
The speed merchant finalists will be doing their thing on Berlin’s famous Kurfürstendamm, with bags on their backs and helmets on their heads. Closed off just for them, pretty much, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to race through reds while everyone cheers.
Riders will go face to face with gravity, provided we find a hill.
Since their premiere in Zürich in 1999, the Goldsprints have grown to become an audience magnet throughout Europe. Two riders sprint head-to-head on roller trainers over a prescribed distance. The audience follows the action on large-screen monitors beaming the progression of each race and also on the faces of the competitors, each face sown with the unmistakable imprint of extreme exertion.
Fixed Gear Events
Our Applaus-o-meter will be recording the results of the Best Trick contest with levels of accuracy never before achieved in international competition. NO RULES.
“I’m not gonna crash, i’m not gonna crash, i’m not gonna crash“.
Come on, say it like you mean it! This year will be a skid parcour, and a short skid competition. Clothing optional, helmet mandatory.
Get to your happy place, start the yogic breathing and look on serenely as your foes crumble at the spectacle of your powerful thighs and ability to levitate.
We’re working on something. The winner will do twelve if they’re lucky. At Tape, latenight.
Everyone in a large circle riding around attempting to knock each other off their bikes. The only rule is that the hands must remain on the handlebars when making contact with other riders - no kicking, scratching, slapping, tickling, grabbing, snatching, tearing, pulling, punching, pinching, prodding, or poking.
Grown adults vainly attempting graceful team play with crooked sticks and brakeless bikes. Similar to watching teenagers practicing flatland skateboard acrobatics, with similar degrees of success. Due to the absurd popularity of this dubious sport, a two-day tournament is planned. The polo organizers are predicting a goal this year, so don’t miss out!
The slowest messengers on the planet will go head to head in what will surely be the slowest event at this years’ ECMC, aside from the trackstand and gold sprints of course. This event will decide this years’ DFL, and will occur during the qualis and mainrace.
With helmet and courier bag, of course. It’s what you were born to do. We will not be held liable for bruised organs, inner thigh cramps, or strained calf muscles. There’s a good way to practice this, even if you don’t have access to a mechanical bull. Use your imagination.